Seek His Face

We had to wake up early again today for another round of paperwork.  Before leaving the apartment, I read my devotional which led me to the following verse, one I do not remember reading before:

Psalm 27:8

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

This is what my heart and mind have been struggling with....my mind thinks too much about the "what ifs and the how in the world?" while my heart strives to lean on God, trust God, believe in His promises.

The first line of my devotion today (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) says: There is a mighty battle going on for control of your mind.

That is certainly the case in my life.

I had no idea when I read that verse this morning, how much I would lean on it today.

Our first stop was a medical facility for Valera to have his blood drawn.  I had prayed last night and this morning for him, in regards to this. I figure he has not had the exposure to vaccinations, shots, etc. like most children in America. As I fretted for him over this, I was comforted to know that I would be there for him...hold his hand if he needed me to, wipe a tear if necessary.

Anya explained to him on the way there what was going to happen. He told her he was nervous.

The three of us walked into the building, while Pa and Den stayed in the car. We checked in and Valera had that same nervous look he had at court on Sept. 6th.  Fortunately, he was called quickly. I followed behind him and just as he was about to enter the room, he turned around and motioned for me to wait in the hallway.

Oh.  i guess no hand holding or tear wiping.  As I sat down, I thought to myself..."he doesn't want me."

Then the verse above immediately came to my mind. Your face, Lord, I will seek. I realized then how focused I have been on myself over the past 40 days. What if I am not good enough, what if Valera doesn't want me, What if it is too hard for me?" I have been seeking MY face.

I quickly heard God say to me, "he might not want you in this particular situation, or at all, but I want you. I have chosen you to be his mom. This isn't about you feeling good, feeling needed or loved by Valera. This is about you doing what I have called you to do. This is about dying to yourself!"

And I felt His strength fill me up. Something that would have made me cry a few days ago....certainly effected me momentarily, as I am human....but I thought of myself seeking the Lod's face and felt a peace that I know only comes from Him.

We continued on with our day...driving around, doing paperwork. We went to the orphanage for the last time today. More opportunities to meditate on that verse.

Watching Valera's friends see him today......Seek his face.
Watching friends hug all over Valera......Seek His face.
Seeing his friends in the windows waving goodbye.....Seek His face
Wishing there wasn't an orphan in the world....Seek His face.
Crying over the ones left behind...Seek His face.

We drove away. I felt so many mixed emotions. Anya assured me that Valera was probably thinking of the river he can swim across, and the bridge he can jump off of.

We were supposed to apply for his passport today, but the computer systems aren't working. Please pray that they are working in the morning.

We are going to another soccer game tonight, then have another early morning. Thanks for your prayers. I feel them.  My biggest prayer requests are that we can apply for his passport tomorrow, and that I would continue to seek the Lord's face.